Patience and letting go

The Lord in His infinite Wisdom has decided that I need a big ol' lesson in patience and letting go.  It's going to be a long 20 weeks.

Friday was our 20 week ultrasound.  Baby Squirmy spent the entire time wiggling all over the place.  The poor ultrasound tech chuckled about it a couple times.  I probably should have laid off the cookies that morning but it had been a rough one and those frozen Thin Mints are just so good. 

So once she has finally gotten all the images she needs she went and got Daddy and the boys to come see.  She showed us all the highlights - head complete with little nose in profile, bladder (why they always need to show that off I have never understood,) spine, legs, feet, toes, hands, fingers.  It's just amazing.  And at the very end I asked about gender.  And ya know what, that little stinker kept those adorable little thighs together the whole time!  "Nothing to see here, folks." 

Now, the WeatherMan is very cool with this.  I had to talk him into finding out with both the boys.  I on the other hand...  I really like starting to get to know the kiddo while we're waiting.  Trying out names, picking a coming home outfit, figuring out sleeping arrangements (oh, who am I kidding, I'm tired and it's only gonna get worse, this kid will be sleeping with me.  Or more likely not sleeping with me if history is any indication.)  I want to know, I want to plan, I want to imagine.  I like that little illusion of control of getting my head wrapped around the person-ness of the critter who is making me have to pee every 20 minutes, making me uncomfortable, and who we'll be spending the next 4-plus months getting ready for and the rest of our lives getting to love.  I'm not really liking this state of anonymous. 

Oh well, I still have till July to work my way through it.  Gosh, that's a long way away.  I suppose each child gets to be a unique adventure.  And this kidlet is taking a stand early! 

Phase Two

Of that big scary project.  It's done.  Yup, I had an interview Thursday.  Can't say it was a resounding success.  I suppose only a job offer would prove that.  But I didn't throw up or pass out or manage to offend anyone too badly.  Other than when I slipped and referred to the students as "kids" - I'm guessing I got docked some points on that. 

All a pretty impressive feat considering I walked into a room with a committee of SEVEN for this interview.  And I would bet they were limited to seven because the dining room table of the Newman House only seats 8.  I totally get the need to have a big group - we're talking two colleges, one parish, and the diocese all needing to be represented.  That's a lot of very varied interests.  It was just incredibly intimidating.  Really, big bad scary intimidating. 

You know when you have an end of year exam and it covers the whole course.  There really isn't a lot of studying you can do because there is so much that could be covered on the exam but only a little actually will.  And anyway you were there for all the classes so it's all familiar and there in your memory.  So you do some review and call it good and go to the exam.  In the end you walk out feeling dumber than when you walked in.  Then when you get your grade back you could have flunked it or aced it or anything in between, any outcome is as likely as the others.  That's just how the interview felt. 

My stomach is still doing flip flops over this two days later.  Hardcore flip flops that might be described as butterflies but only if you've ever seen a 500 pound gorilla with wings.  I keep replaying bits in my head and saying to myself "why did I do that?" or "why didn't I say this?"  But what's done is done.  All that's left to do now is wait and see.  It's in the hands of the Spirit.  And of course the committee. 

And even thought my right calf is still sore from tightening it through the entire 30 minutes I was there (to keep the rest of me from wiggling around too much, I'm an anxious fidgeter) I am counting this as my small success for the week.  Because like I said I didn't barf or fall or belch or take my toys and go home, as tempting as that was.  I survived my first proper professional interview.  And I think if this doesn't work out I will just stay an at home mom until someone offers me a job.  ;-) 

That Scary Project

Ok, so it probably isn't as big, as bad, or as scary as I may have tried to make it out.  Sometimes one feels the need to beef up stories a bit - you could consider this my big fish tale. 

I applied for a job.

To be specific to be the campus minister at the two colleges in my hometown. 

Anyone else see the scary in that?  What's so tough about a resume and letter of interest?  (And by letter of interest they seemed to mean a letter stating your interest in the position, not what Google tells me it is - an unsolicited letter showing interest in the company to get an interview/job for a position not posted that I would have to guess might not exist.)  Well, I think the last time I wrote a resume was high school.  And obviously my Googling just added to my anxiety by giving me a different answer than what I thought they were looking for.  Then there's the whole level of insecurity about having been out of the work place for a while and out of the field longer than that and about if I really have the gifts and talents to do this particular job.  My anxiety level has been through the roof since I started working on this.  But let me back up, it's a good story.

When we were on our vacation, big nerds that we are, we read the diocesan newspaper (it came our last day there.)  And DH found the posting.  I'm not sure what he said about it but looking back he mentioned it, I pretty much wasn't listening.  After we got home he looking it up online and sure enough, there it was.  And he thought I should apply. 

Well, yikes!  I never really saw myself working with college students.  I'm so not cool enough for that.  And I hate public speaking.  It gives me gorillas in my stomach just thinking about it.  I wondered about what was involved in the administration side of the job - it isn't all just fun hanging out in the Newman House, ya know.  And what about my boys?  This is a full time job in ministry.  Ministry jobs tend to be more full than the average "full time." 

But that's what started changing my thinking around - it's a MINISTRY.  It's about working with people, mostly young people, and helping them learn about our faith and express their faith and find their place in the larger Church and world.  When I got to thinking about it, it really isn't all that different from what I do with my boys.  Just like toddlers and preschoolers, they're heading out on a grand adventure and there is so much to see and figure out - the world is big and you, yes YOU have a place in it and can do wonderful things!  Ok, yes, it's a little hokey.  Fine, fine, it's a lot hokey.  And there are obviously huge difference making my analogy a little shaky.  But at a basic level it is similar. 

And that made it a lot less scary a prospect.  Actually, after figuring all that out it started to get exciting!  There are so many possibilities, so many different programs and options and ways of helping the campus community.  And the local community!  It all makes me a little giddy.  (I have already told you, I'm a total nerd.) 

So I've been praying and praying to figure out if this is the right thing for me.  For my family.  And the conclusion I've come to is - it could very well be.  While it's full time the hours are not a typical 9-5 so I could still be mostly home with the boys.  Plus there are grandparents and all kinds of friends in town so we wouldn't be lacking for good child care.  DH could work on his Masters, maybe get his teaching certification or even drive to a bigger university to get his Masters in meteorology (he's a WeatherMan, I don't think I've mentioned that.)  I would get to work on my Masters, since it is technically a requirement for the position and I haven't had a chance to start working toward it yet.  Funny thing about little ones and living in another country, makes grad work a real challenge.  ;-)  It would mean not only moving back to the States but to where we would eventually like to end up to stay.  It would be a very interesting challenge. 

So there you have it.  Phase one of my big, bad, scary project = DONE.  Resume and letter were due Tuesday and I emailed them off the previous Friday.  I even got acknowledgement of my application!  The email said they mail-mailed the letter but given the distance she thought she should email as well :)  Very kind of her since it takes around 8 days for mail to come or go between Canada and the US. 

And now we wait.  Who knows if I'll hear anything else.  And actually, I'm surprisingly good with that.  The Holy Spirit has a remarkable way of making sure I end up where I belong and it seems to be rubbing off on my little family.  I can trust that if this is where we are "supposed" to be that it will work out and I will find the support to make it not only work but be awesome.  And if this isn't it yet there is something else coming that our family needs more.  In the meantime, any prayers would be greatly appreciated.  I'll keep you posted :) 

On nakedness

This is a concept apparently beyond the grasp of a three year old:

Possessing clothing does not make you dressed.
Running around while carrying clothes is a step in the right direction but not quite there. 
Throwing those clothes at Mama or behind the couch will not help and will likely set you further behind. 

You will be naked and therefore cannot go out until said clothes are on your actual body. 

Preschool Graduation

This week, Bigger Boy finished his preschool year and they had a graduation Thursday evening.  What an event that was!  I should tell you I'm not one of those Mama's who cries at every little milestone.  I am certainly happy and celebrate each of them but that's the Boy's job - to grow up!  And this particular milestone didn't warrant tears for a other couple reasons.  First of all, he's not really eligible to be singing "Kindergarten here we come; we know we'll have lots of fun!" because he still has another year of preschool before he can go to JK (junior kindergarten, like pre-k in the States.)  Second of all, it was too darn funny! 


I apparently missed the dress code for this soiree.  Luckily the Boy wiped his sticky hands on his shirt at dinner so I had to change him into a polo shirt after a bath.  It was the only shirt clean that went with his plaid shorts.  And Littler Boy needed that bath more than Bigger.  That one had put applesauce and potato salad on his shirt and in his hair.  Anyway, I think one boy came to the graduation in the clothes he had worn to school that morning.  The others all had on what could have been their Easter outfits and a couple even had on ties!  The girls, of course, all had on cute little sundresses.  And don't get me start on the mommies!  High heels and cute little outfits galore.  I totally missed that boat.  I'm not even sure I own anything eligible for that boat. 


The program for the evening started with the kids all settling in on the circle time carpets.  Littler Boy really thought he should be a part of this.  I mean, he knows the whole routine for getting ready for school so why not, right?  It's gonna be a long year before he is old enough for preschool!  The lead teacher rang the gong that signals the changes in activity.  One lone, loud little boy started into the "toys away, toys away, toys away for another day" clean up song.  Well trained, that child is.  Next they sang a selection of their usual songs and were surprisingly audible.  Normally when they get an audience (like at the Christmas party or the Mother's Day tea) they all just sit and stare like little deer in little headlights so it was nice to hear a few of them.  The required photo op of giving out diplomas and folders of mementos from the year followed.  And the typical thank yous and flowers go without saying. 


What Bigger Boy was excited for was the slide show.  His teacher had created ye ol' collection of pictures from throughout the year and it was adorable.  But he didn't know that was what she meant when she announced it.  When he told me he couldn't wait for the slide show I almost died laughing because it included the ASL sign for "slide."  As in what a boy climbs up a ladder to go "weeee" back down at the park.  It's a magical world that 3 year olds live in, isn't it?  Needless to say, the slide show didn't hold his attention in quite the same way that a slide might have. 

But Jimbo the Magician did!  The Boy was fascinated!  It really was a performance worthy of America's Funniest Home Videos.  At one point he had a line up of young kids there and was instructing the first in line to put out his hand.  No, the clean one, silly!  The little girl next to him became very concerned about the state of her hands and proceeded to examine them.  And wipe them on her dress.  It was a straight up AFV moment. 

We grabbed a few juice boxes for the walk home and that was that.  Halfway home, Bigger Boy hands me his empty box saying "Here Mommy, I'm done."  To which I respond "That's ok.  I did the same thing to my mommy."  Because I had!  We had stopped to take a family picture because it is rare to have someone extra with us to take a shot of all four of us together.  And I had handed my mom my empty juice box to hold onto for me.  I also stuffed the straw wrappers into her purse because I'm like that.  Isn't it great that there are somethings you just don't grow out of?  :) 

Road Trip!

We took a little road trip to New York this weekend in our new car.  First off, how amazingly comfortable!  We were able to eat our snack in the backseat.  Unheard of in the Saturn - the two car seats used to make that impossible.  And we managed to only christen it with some apple juice. 

We had a lovely visit with friends who have two boys the same ages as our boys.  It was so great to see them all running around and playing together.  Mostly :)  The boys were so worn out that they were asleep before we got on the highway to come home.  And they are already asking to go play again. 

We got some excitement on our way home though.  Driving up to cross back into Canada and we find that the boarder is closed!  Boarder agents and patrol cars are blocking the entrance to the bridge - yikes!  What, are we supposed to stay?  (Please? ;-)  And to think, until this trip I always packed as though we were staying the night because sometimes we had to!  But not this trip, not with our new car.  Nope, I only brought just what we needed for the day.  Except for remembering the sippy cups but that's different, we were visiting friends who I could be pretty sure had sippy cups. 

So what were we to do?  Drive up the road to let the no longer sleeping toddler walk around for a while and make a quick phone call to my mom to check the Internet for info.  After a good walk and some reading time for Mama (did you notice, only one child woke up and someone had to take one for the team and stay in the car with the still sleeping child, drats) we headed for the crossing that they were sending all the traffic to.  Which of course was SWAMPED!  Around we turned again to try out our third choice bridge.  Thankfully that was open with very little wait. 

It's always fun to throw the boarder agent for a loop and after handing over our US passports answer that we live in Ontario :)  Always catches them off guard.  But even with that and a car with temporary NYS plates we crossed the quickest I think we ever have.  Even faster than with a screaming baby in the backseat, which is pretty quick. 

As we're driving into Canada it becomes very obvious that we're heading straight into a storm.  Watching the ominous lightening was incredible.  It was an amazing storm.  But when we had to pull of the road for the second time I just had to ask - "Lord, is this a sign?"  I'm listening.  We just would really like, ya know, a job so that we can, ya know, pay the bills and feed those to littles who are now kinda sleeping in the backseat.  Ya know, nothing big. 

All in all, a trip that should have taken an hour and a half driving took 5 hours!  But we're home safe and sound.  And watching for that next nudging of the Spirit that it's time to move along.